Our Chapters

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in positions that aren't too kind. We meet people that go out of their way to make our life hard, uncomfortable and unbearable. I feel like in times like these we can either succumb to it and let it beat us down or we can choose to use it and become better for it. Sometimes it’s hard to understand why people act the way they do but I guess you just have to stop trying to figure some people out as it will only drive you nuts. It takes all kinds of people to make up this world and as much as it would be a better place without negative people in it, my girlfriend reminded me tonight that maybe we need the nasty to appreciate the good.

For a moment I let it get me down but I am done with that moment because I have too many beautiful things around me to focus all my energy on a few pathetic human beings. I am better than they have given me credit for and I will prove it myself and to my loved ones. As for them, I just choose not to care anymore.

Just like a book there are many chapters that will make up my life, some may be good chapters and others bad but all content is important to telling my story.

Tomorrow, I am ready.

Peace ✌

New Beginnings.

After 4 and a half years at the same job it’s now time to say goodbye. In two days I will be leaving my job for a new one and with it comes excitement, apprehension and sadness. I have worked with an amazing bunch of people for the past 4 plus years forming friendships and gaining skills I will carry with me through life. With any new opportunity there is the element of the unknown and although that may be exciting it’s also scary. I’m leaving behind my comfort zone and walking into the dark hoping for best outcome, which I am sure it will be. I am going to miss working with some pretty amazing people that have had my back through countless situations no matter how full on they were. In a job like mine you need to know your back is covered and with these guys I have always felt safe.

Sometimes in life you need change and that’s exactly what I am embracing. I hope to gain a better work/life balance as for the last 4 and a half years I have dedicated myself to some crazy hours. I think my girlfriend will appreciate it also as she has been amazing throughout the chaos. If anything else I will be glad to shake things up and kick my ass into a new kind of gear!

Change, I welcome you!

Peace ✌

I really want to write something right now and it’s a tad difficult and super annoying as I have a band aid on my rude finger due to my awesome cat which I rely heavily on when typing (my finger not my cat just to clear up any animal cruelty concerns you might have had!) Boom! Got you all figured out already wise guy lol sorry I am sick so I tend to be a bit of a loopy weirdo. Bear with me.

Anyways I think for the sake of letting my flow. Well flow, I will take the band aid off just for now.

Okay………………. Done!

So what I thought of today was “is it really worth it” I hope my direction here is clear because I sometimes get myself into situations either innocently or not and immediately my heart knows it’s not worth it to continue but my ego or pride or whatever my stubbornness wants to be called just won’t shut the fuck up.

Example:  My girlfriend and I might be having a little disagreement and in true female form we both think that we are right, one thing leads to another and things get a lot more heated than they should. I recall so many times while in these situations thinking to myself “is it really worth it?” I look at her and she’s upset or angry or whatever it may be and I’m like I love this person what am I doing. I look at her and I think I just don’t want to be wasting anytime arguing when all I really want to do is grab her, pull her into me and kiss her. So I try to push down my ego walls but my girlfriend just isn’t the type that can flick to being affectionate in 0.2 seconds like I am, dilemma I know! Anyway I think I need to find a strategy that allows me to not let things get to the point where my girlfriend doesn’t want to be affectionate with me because 1. I work a lot. 2. She’s beautiful and I’d much rather be all cheddar with her. And 3. Who the hell want’s to argue?

So I hope you were all paying attention and understood the point I was trying to make even though it was possibly lost amongst all that dribble. Sorry about that. (Another fact is I talk a lot of crap)

I have a motor mouth with a delay on my brain issue.

Now this isn’t something new that I am just realizing I just never really thought of it as being that big of a deal. My dad use to call me a chatterbox as a kid and through my teens I guess people thought I was a bit simple lol. I just want to say that just because you talk a lot and things don’t always come out right it doesn’t make you stupid. I mean I know that I’m not the most intelligent person out there but I am by no means stupid and I really don’t like that word especially to place it onto a person.

I really don’t know how to best describe it… Um.  It’s like my brain is working at two different stages. On one stage my thoughts pop in super quickly and then my mouth just goes but it’s before my brains second stage has had the chance to process things and put it correctly. Confusing you? Yep don’t worry I think I just confused myself lol. Grrr I wish you all just magically know what I mean and you know what, I’m just going to assume that you do. Yay!

Okay so I hope to really work on this issue when in certain situations, basically to avoid getting myself in further trouble ha ha

Any questions, suggestions or impute of any kind would be appreciated. Peace! ✌

P.S Band aid back in position…

Ahhh little more about me shall we?

As I have mentioned briefly in my intro (if you read it, if not. Go read it!) lol I am a lesbian and I just want to say that I have the most amazing girlfriend and I am so grateful for everything she does. Like any couple we have had our ups and downs but at the end of the day I know she’s the one I want to be with. I think sometimes I forget to tell her what she means to me or more importantly I forget to show her. I have been going through some issues of my own and anyone that knows me knows that I am the type of person that just tries to sweep things under the rug and move on. The only problem with that is that you never actually move on. I hate dealing with my feelings I’d much rather be the class clown, light hearted big kid that always has a smile on my face but unfortunately as my  girlfriend continues to tell me, my eyes show everything.

A big part of why I decided to make a blog was to get me writing again. Writing for me use to be a coping mechanism from when I was in my late teens although I only really wrote poems and would only ever show my then best friend as we had been close our whole lives. There’s just something about putting pen to paper (literally) that use to make me spill out my many emotions that I felt were drowning me. I am the youngest of five kids (grew up with four) however I feel like I had to be the strongest. I mean I shouldn't complain and I really don’t think that I am but I do believe that everything you go through is to help form the person you are today. It would be nice however if some things could have just not gone down but eh such is life.

Today, and I'm not saying that I won’t have slip ups or moments of fuck the world but today I want to start smiling with nothing hidden under the rug (not gonna lie I was gonna say my rug but then I thought I might provoke some lesbian jokes haha)

Anyhooo, see forever distracted…

I want to bite things in the butt as they happen and genuinely move on because the people in my life especially my girlfriend and our daughter deserve the best from me. They deserve the happy, silly, crazy, caring me that was there from the beginning. Babe if you are reading this, I am sorry I disappeared on you.

Again short and sweet is my thing. Peace

Let's go for a skate!

I remember as a kid one of my older brothers use to teach me tricks and we would be out all day with some other neighbourhood kids just making ramps from bricks and discarded planks of wood, pretty much anything we could find and not go home until the street lights went on. I guess those memories just stuck with me to this day and every time I go for a skate I feel this overwhelming sense of freedom like somehow I’m a kid again and all life’s responsibilities and problems just disappear.

I think it’s important to hold onto elements of your childhood throughout your life to remind you not to be so serious and to keep your eyes open to the subtle beauties around you. I think sometimes the pressures of everyday can take a toll on how we see the world and for me nothing is worth that. As a kid did we dwell on tomorrow or did we just enjoy every moment as we lived it?

At the moment its winter and it’s been a little while since I had a skate and I honestly feel like it’s having a negative impact on me. As silly as it may sound I think I miss my board time. I have a bunch of skateboards but my favourite is my longboard! She’s such a beautiful board and such a smooth ride. I have so many memories just cruising along the beach paths skating after work and just letting everything go. I also have a pretty cool one that my girlfriend has been creating/customizing for me which I think is pretty damn awesome that she can do literally everything! Cannot wait to take it out!

Short and sweet is my thing so once again peace! ✌✌

My Love.

Hard times are here and I don't know when they'll depart, but with you by my side I have a warrior for a heart. 
I will fight for our lives and the one of our child.  
I will find the answers just give me a short while.
I know that I can be up and I be down, but never will my love for you be unable to be found.
I may not know how to always repair your sorrow, but a future with you I will always follow. 
The path that leads to a brighter day, is the one that I'm on and I promise to never stray.
I'm sorry if I don't always think things through, I promise that it has no reflection on the love I have for you. 
Your heart is the biggest that I have ever known, your heart is the one I hope to call forever my home.



Something I wrote up tonight on night shift :)

Dreams

Today it's raining and the sky is so blue
But still my mind wonders right back to you
You gave me a smile and the sun lit right up beside you
My heart stopped and my knee's began to give way
Just the sight of you scared me in so many ways
How could I be feeling this about someone I knew nothing about?
How could my heart ache when our stares started to fade?
On just the thought that this was the end
But it never really even began
Now I’m sitting at home just thinking about you
Your soft brown eyes and that heart stopping smile
Why did I do nothing?
Why did I let you slip away?
Why did I let you go?
It is this that I will never know
There could have been some magic
There could have been a life long story
But now I’ll never know if my dreams were right
Because you were the one that was in them night after night...


Another oldie but a goodie. A bit rough but i like it the way that it is 😊:)

Greatest Fear

My thoughts still at this moment flood my mind.
With confusion so high
And certainty so far,
How do I find my answers? 
How do I fade these scars?
I twist and I turn through the sleepless nights,
I stand and I gaze through the long but empty days.
Wishing and waiting for that moment to come,
To save my mind from explosion 
And my hearts pieces from being broken.
It’s like a story in my mind
But the ending is unclear,
It’s the thought of being broken hearted 
That is my greatest fear.

one of my favorite poems I wrote.

Feeling slighted...

Do you ever have those periods of times in life where you just feel so overwhelmed and you’re not even able to pin point exactly why? Lately I have just been feeling a bit defeated by things as it just feels like one knock after the next. Whether it is directly impacting me or the ones I love I just feel so out of control and unable to help the situation. Am I lazy? Am I just not clicking to the solution that could be right under my nose? I just don’t know.

Today especially sucked as I have some kind of flu and it’s really just knocking me about. I literally had no voice at work on Tuesday night which yes was both amusing and annoying considering I really need my voice for work. The guys were really great about it though and helped me out especially one of the guys bought me some Panadol lemsip stuff which did seem to help and see, little things like that lift my spirits. I mean someone could be having the shittiest time and someone just takes a moment to do something that might make things a little easier for you. I love people like that.

Anyways I am trying to keep my thoughts as positive as possible as I know things will get better I just need to focus and help make them happen. I admit I do tend to want to wait around and hope things will fall into place like that whole fate concept but I’m thinking maybe even fate needs a nudge.

Same goes for Karma, those assholes hafffff to get what’s coming, and if not then o’ well it’s nice to think they will. That’s the thing though isn’t it? The power of the mind and how it controls our everyday life and emotions. I need to find a way to like hack  into my mind and tell it to be cool because stressing won’t sort out what you having going on in your life. I just need to step the BLEEEP up and take control!

Okay enough of my self-help pep talk I think, sorry not sorry as I think I have somehow lifted my own spirits by getting this out. PEACE!