Change

Things need to change in my life starting with me. I have been so closed off for whatever reason to the fact that the issues I have in my life come from me and start from me. It’s so easy to blame other people or to blame life for handing you a shitty deal but fact is complaining will not turn things around, only you have the power to do that.

Somewhere along the way I changed and it wasn’t positive change. I have fallen into a sinkhole and I have just let it swallow me without putting up a fight. I did however express myself but it was in such an unhealthy and harmful way that I hurt not only myself but the person I care most about. 

The saddest part is that I don’t know 100 percent what is wrong but I just know that I’m not me.

Life can be amazing and that’s how I saw it. I use to find the beauty in even the smallest and simplest of things but now I just see the negative. I dislike so much what I have become that I need to get help before I lose everything for good. I need to get help because I miss my life. I need to get help because I need her.

The Best Day!

I just want to say what a great day I have had today!

It kind of started the day earlier as I stayed at my sister’s place who just moved back to the same state! (1.5hrs away) I am so excited that she is back and with my two gorgeous little nieces that I have missed so much. I am glad that i can be a part of their lives again and build that close connection that i have wanted.

We woke up bright and early to a beautifully sunny day that instantly made you want to get up and get out there. My sister had to get a few things so we went to Ikea which we just thought was so cool and boy do the displays show such attention to detail. After a successful shop we headed home for lunch and a bum around. I ran in the yard with the dog and the girls, played some darts while my sister experimented with some new cake recipes

Just to be around family enjoying the simplest of things that we don't get to do very often as my family is all over Australia was just so nice and i lapped up every moment.

I left just after 4pm and decided to stop off at my old work I left a month ago as it was half way on my trip home. I ended up spending 3hrs catching up with 5 of my old work friends and it was so nice to see how excited they were to see me and to hear that I have been missed. I really built so many great relationships in my time there and it was so great to reconnect.

I went for a bit of a shop before i headed home for the hour drive and decided to keep the good times going and called my dad who lives in Perth. It was great to talk all the way home and laugh and just be positive about life.

I am home now and I just feel so light and happy about the day that i decided to write about it a little. Up at 7am and home by 9:30pm and I feel so energized, fulfilled and content. I really hope everyone has had a great day and will fall asleep tonight with a smile on their face as well as in their hearts.

Peace ✌

Struggles

Do you ever feel like you’re holding your breath and you’re not too sure how to let it go and breath normally again?                                                                                 Do you ever feel helpless and unsure of how to fix a situation in your life and the only thing you can do is just stand there and watch shit fall apart?

Lately I have been feeling like a flood of emotions have just hit me right in the face and I can’t seem to get a grip onto anything that’s going to save me. I feel overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious.

I honestly wish I had something solid to attach myself to because I’m afraid that I’m just going to fall into a sink hole and no one would even care. How does life just get like this? How can things be so damn perfect and then BOOM! Fuck you Layne I’m gonna test you with everything that matters to you.

Sure I am feeling sorry for myself and yeah sure there are so many people out there with much worse and much less then me and I shouldn’t complain but you know what? I have feelings and I can’t just continually swallow them because they appear unimportant to so many. To me they are real and I am hurting, don’t let anyone tell you you’re not allowed to express your feelings because to you they mean something.

I am so over being told that I have my health so I should be happy and don’t get me wrong I am glad that I am healthy but what about psychologically, does that count or does it not matter because you can’t see it when it’s shattered?

I am shaken, I am weakened and at the moment I don’t feel so strong. I wish I could be that powerful woman that no matter what can stand tall through all her heartaches and be like fuck the world nothing  is going to make me fall to my knees but hey, I guess that’s just not me because I am sensitive despite what I want to believe or how I project myself to others. Unfortunately I have a heart and sometimes it feels shaken.

I think its okay to take you time and wallow in your sadness from time to time as long as you remember not to be consumed by it. I know deep down that I will be okay and that these feelings are temporary and that they will pass. But right now I don’t need to be silenced I need to be heard and I need to matter.

I am sorry for the low note but I needed to get it out.

Our Chapters

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in positions that aren't too kind. We meet people that go out of their way to make our life hard, uncomfortable and unbearable. I feel like in times like these we can either succumb to it and let it beat us down or we can choose to use it and become better for it. Sometimes it’s hard to understand why people act the way they do but I guess you just have to stop trying to figure some people out as it will only drive you nuts. It takes all kinds of people to make up this world and as much as it would be a better place without negative people in it, my girlfriend reminded me tonight that maybe we need the nasty to appreciate the good.

For a moment I let it get me down but I am done with that moment because I have too many beautiful things around me to focus all my energy on a few pathetic human beings. I am better than they have given me credit for and I will prove it myself and to my loved ones. As for them, I just choose not to care anymore.

Just like a book there are many chapters that will make up my life, some may be good chapters and others bad but all content is important to telling my story.

Tomorrow, I am ready.

Peace ✌

New Beginnings.

After 4 and a half years at the same job it’s now time to say goodbye. In two days I will be leaving my job for a new one and with it comes excitement, apprehension and sadness. I have worked with an amazing bunch of people for the past 4 plus years forming friendships and gaining skills I will carry with me through life. With any new opportunity there is the element of the unknown and although that may be exciting it’s also scary. I’m leaving behind my comfort zone and walking into the dark hoping for best outcome, which I am sure it will be. I am going to miss working with some pretty amazing people that have had my back through countless situations no matter how full on they were. In a job like mine you need to know your back is covered and with these guys I have always felt safe.

Sometimes in life you need change and that’s exactly what I am embracing. I hope to gain a better work/life balance as for the last 4 and a half years I have dedicated myself to some crazy hours. I think my girlfriend will appreciate it also as she has been amazing throughout the chaos. If anything else I will be glad to shake things up and kick my ass into a new kind of gear!

Change, I welcome you!

Peace ✌

I really want to write something right now and it’s a tad difficult and super annoying as I have a band aid on my rude finger due to my awesome cat which I rely heavily on when typing (my finger not my cat just to clear up any animal cruelty concerns you might have had!) Boom! Got you all figured out already wise guy lol sorry I am sick so I tend to be a bit of a loopy weirdo. Bear with me.

Anyways I think for the sake of letting my flow. Well flow, I will take the band aid off just for now.

Okay………………. Done!

So what I thought of today was “is it really worth it” I hope my direction here is clear because I sometimes get myself into situations either innocently or not and immediately my heart knows it’s not worth it to continue but my ego or pride or whatever my stubbornness wants to be called just won’t shut the fuck up.

Example:  My girlfriend and I might be having a little disagreement and in true female form we both think that we are right, one thing leads to another and things get a lot more heated than they should. I recall so many times while in these situations thinking to myself “is it really worth it?” I look at her and she’s upset or angry or whatever it may be and I’m like I love this person what am I doing. I look at her and I think I just don’t want to be wasting anytime arguing when all I really want to do is grab her, pull her into me and kiss her. So I try to push down my ego walls but my girlfriend just isn’t the type that can flick to being affectionate in 0.2 seconds like I am, dilemma I know! Anyway I think I need to find a strategy that allows me to not let things get to the point where my girlfriend doesn’t want to be affectionate with me because 1. I work a lot. 2. She’s beautiful and I’d much rather be all cheddar with her. And 3. Who the hell want’s to argue?

So I hope you were all paying attention and understood the point I was trying to make even though it was possibly lost amongst all that dribble. Sorry about that. (Another fact is I talk a lot of crap)

I have a motor mouth with a delay on my brain issue.

Now this isn’t something new that I am just realizing I just never really thought of it as being that big of a deal. My dad use to call me a chatterbox as a kid and through my teens I guess people thought I was a bit simple lol. I just want to say that just because you talk a lot and things don’t always come out right it doesn’t make you stupid. I mean I know that I’m not the most intelligent person out there but I am by no means stupid and I really don’t like that word especially to place it onto a person.

I really don’t know how to best describe it… Um.  It’s like my brain is working at two different stages. On one stage my thoughts pop in super quickly and then my mouth just goes but it’s before my brains second stage has had the chance to process things and put it correctly. Confusing you? Yep don’t worry I think I just confused myself lol. Grrr I wish you all just magically know what I mean and you know what, I’m just going to assume that you do. Yay!

Okay so I hope to really work on this issue when in certain situations, basically to avoid getting myself in further trouble ha ha

Any questions, suggestions or impute of any kind would be appreciated. Peace! ✌

P.S Band aid back in position…

Ahhh little more about me shall we?

As I have mentioned briefly in my intro (if you read it, if not. Go read it!) lol I am a lesbian and I just want to say that I have the most amazing girlfriend and I am so grateful for everything she does. Like any couple we have had our ups and downs but at the end of the day I know she’s the one I want to be with. I think sometimes I forget to tell her what she means to me or more importantly I forget to show her. I have been going through some issues of my own and anyone that knows me knows that I am the type of person that just tries to sweep things under the rug and move on. The only problem with that is that you never actually move on. I hate dealing with my feelings I’d much rather be the class clown, light hearted big kid that always has a smile on my face but unfortunately as my  girlfriend continues to tell me, my eyes show everything.

A big part of why I decided to make a blog was to get me writing again. Writing for me use to be a coping mechanism from when I was in my late teens although I only really wrote poems and would only ever show my then best friend as we had been close our whole lives. There’s just something about putting pen to paper (literally) that use to make me spill out my many emotions that I felt were drowning me. I am the youngest of five kids (grew up with four) however I feel like I had to be the strongest. I mean I shouldn't complain and I really don’t think that I am but I do believe that everything you go through is to help form the person you are today. It would be nice however if some things could have just not gone down but eh such is life.

Today, and I'm not saying that I won’t have slip ups or moments of fuck the world but today I want to start smiling with nothing hidden under the rug (not gonna lie I was gonna say my rug but then I thought I might provoke some lesbian jokes haha)

Anyhooo, see forever distracted…

I want to bite things in the butt as they happen and genuinely move on because the people in my life especially my girlfriend and our daughter deserve the best from me. They deserve the happy, silly, crazy, caring me that was there from the beginning. Babe if you are reading this, I am sorry I disappeared on you.

Again short and sweet is my thing. Peace